My sanctuary.

This afternoon, I had the God-given privilege to just relax and hold my little girl in my arms as she slept for well over an hour. She had awakened from a nap way too early, so I went in to check on her...and as I held her, she laid her head on my shoulder and fell right back to sleep.

So, I just held her as the dishes sat in the sink, the laundry was half done, the floors needed to be swept and vacuumed (as always)...or I might have just wasted that precious time surfing the net or watching tv.

I sat down in our fluffy white rocking chair and put my feet up. The fan made a pleasant lulling sound and just the right breeze to keep the room cool and comfortable. The shades were drawn and the curtains waved gently, changing the bits of sunlight and patterns on the walls. The clock gently ticked away the hour, a lullaby gently played and the pastel colors soothed my senses as I looked into my little angel's face.

She twitched and shifted every now and then as I was sure she must have re-entered a much needed sleep filled with dreams. I could hear her baby breaths and feel her tiny heart beating. Her long lashes were closed down on her sleeping eyes. Her pink cheeks are velvet soft and her lips look like a rosebud. Her hair is so soft and fine as I stroke her head and wipe it away from her face. Fingers and toes moved as she dreamed away whatever it is little babies can possibly dream about. I wish I knew.

I think that having a baby as I heard the last few strains of my 40th year, make the song of motherhood all the more sweet to hear in my heart. It's a love like no other in the world.

When I am spending this quiet time with her as she sleeps, it's the closest I have ever felt to heaven and a connection to God....more so than any and every church I have ever attended. This is when I am the closest to experiencing complete perfection in this imperfect world. It is when I pray, when I meditate on my life and our lives together, when I feel spiritually close to those loved ones who've passed on, and when I can dream and wonder about what it will be like to have a relationship with Molly when she's all grown up. Sometimes I do fall asleep and it's the best sleep ever....even for just a little while.

We always think that we have all the time in the world to express our love for others, but sometimes life has a way of letting you know that you are not in charge of the time you have left. For some reason, I have always felt the need to write down every little detail and take photos of everything regarding Molly from her birth up to the present. I keep a journal and write in it every few days about the little things and the important things. Each dated entry is addressed expressly to her - the future her who will read it one day years and years from now. I save every memento and organize them so that one day - whether I am still here or not - she will know what we were feeling for her and going through during her early lifetime.

She will know that she was loved even before she was born. Her journal was started months before she arrived as I described her kicks and movements in my belly. I even had visions of my child and what she would be like decades ago and as reality has made the dream come to life, she is exactly what I had always known my daughter would be like. Each day, it's as though I'm just getting to know someone I've known all along. She's been a part of me and with me my whole life...now, she's here and I'm enjoying every moment as I learn more about her and love her more each day.