Juneau wanted to be the rambunctious, scampering puppy she was supposed to be as she tried to play with our daughter. In the evenings, we would play with her in the back yard and she'd tried to keep up, then just stop and lay down next to me for a nap. She ate less and less, and even stopped drinking her water. At night, she woke us up every hour on the hour as she needed to pee or vomit. She barely ate or drank, so it was clear like water. She was getting thinner in her back and face too.
We called for an appointment with our vet. The next day when we saw her, she immediately looked like she could tell this puppy just was not well at all. We had numerous tests run for every kind of dog illness there is. I thought that she was just too young and her system was immature for regular puppy food and that she'd just need a milk like supplement like one of my cats did years ago. I thought she would be at the vet one, maybe two nights.
I never had a chance to say goodbye. Since the vet that the store sent us to was over 20 miles from our house, I didn't go over to visit with her as one night turned into 3, and then 4. I kept thinking she was just "bulking" up so she'd be strong enough for us to take over caring for her. It NEVER occurred to me that she could die.
I had gone to work at Molly's school Monday morning. Mom and Grandma were on their way to town and would be here in the afternoon. We were so excited to not only see my mom and grandma, but to be able to finally bring Juneau home to meet the whole family and play together at long last.
While parents were dropping off their toddlers to my class for the day, I got a text from Dan asking if I could call him. I excused myself to make the call. While in the other room, I heard Dan say very softly..."She passed away...she's gone." I was surprised that I didn't burst into tears right then, but when you hear something that just doesn't make sense, it has to run its course first from the ear, through the heart, through the memories, into the brain to sort it all out and BAM...when it does, it's like a knife. I could hear the children giggling, excited to see their friends and play...I could hear the other teachers and parents chatting away, so happy. All I wanted to do was go home, so I later told my co-workers what happened and they said they'd cover for me so I could go home.
Dan was getting off his 12 hour nightshift and was mentally and physically exhausted, he had somehow been tired enough to let this go and sleep for a few hours. I came home, leaving Molly at school and blessedly unaware of her puppy's passing. I walked around in a daze, not wanting to wake up Dan...Mom and Grandma were still driving out here from Texas, passing through Nashville...and I was alone in a big empty house.
What to do? I was lost in my own home. So, I grabbed Juneau's pillow...about the same size she was, I held it to my chest and quietly cried into it for an hour or so while I watched my 80's comfort food movie "Say Anything." I stared at the screen and then took a nap until it was time to pick up Molly at 1:30.
We just want to find out how this happened. My mind is reeling and my thoughts are criss-crossed from a lack of sleep for this whole week....so my facts are cloudy like my vision. I am so heartbroken I feel like I've aged a year in a day.
I knew that we were meant to make that rushed and illogical decision to adopt Juneau. We knew at the time that it was a stupid thing to do but we did it anyway because we fell in love with her. I felt like we were saving her even more than when I went to the pound to adopt pets in the past. Something about the frenzied, bright yellow circus atmosphere with the crowds of people picking up the tiny puppies and the pulsating dance club music drowning out the constant yipping and barking. It was horrible. I just had to save that serene puppy...the last of her litter put in with the Beagles all alone. She needed me...needed us. No matter the cost...we could NOT leave her in that chaos!!
Even knowing what pain it brought to us now...I feel it was as it was supposed to be. Had we just gone to Lowe's for the flower pots, like we'd planned...Juneau would have died in that place without the 4 wonderful days she had as a part of our family...playing in the sun on the grass in our back yard with the little girl who was supposed to love her for the rest of her life. I had held her for hours upon hours on my chest as I watched movies and she slept and slept. I had no idea she was so sick and her tiny body was shutting down.
Now, Juneau is in a little box and I am wearing her collar as a bracelet and a reminder that her life, though brought about through questionable means....it had meaning and a purpose. It was for us to find her and fight for her and the others going through the same thing. Her short life was meant to touch our lives even for but a moment. She'll live in our hearts forever.
1 comment:
Awwwww...sorry about your loss.
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